The same can be said for anyone who experiences changes in their personal life. In the case of divorce, a loss of a spouse or children grow up and move on, redefining the way we fit into our world can feel like an elusive process. Taking on necessary new roles such as primary breadwinner can feel uncomfortable and even frightening forcing us outside our comforts zones. We all have skills that are well developed based on out natural abilities and past experiences, other skills may need to be further developed. Taking on new challenges facilitates growth and moving forward. Moving into the unfamiliar will eventually begin to feel familiar one step at a time .

Transition points in our lives foster new opportunities if we are open to them. Change brings with it a sense of loss and fear of the unknown. Clinging to the status quo can leave us stuck in the past. We often know the answer to what we want to create in our lives but are afaid to act on what we know to be true in the deepest part of ourselves. Transition is a process and change does not happen overnight. Letting go of the old making roon for the new, feeling the fear and forging ahead anyway and allowing ourselves to risk failure can help us gain traction on the road that lies before us.

We learn wisdom from failure much more than success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who has never made a mistake has never made a discovery.” ~ Samuel Smiles.

I am fortunate to work with a special group of women who are bravely working to put their lives together after leaving abusive relationships. Tonight as we met as a group and I listened to their wisdom, it dawned on me that I had some work of my own to do. We discussed what it meant to be victim. Where we are in our lives is a direct result of choices we have made.  Ouch. I have always hated the word victim. I actually have a negative physical response when I hear the word. I remember being given the kind gift after my life fell apart. It was a book that contained meditations and affirmations for abused women. I couldn’t throw the book away fast enough. Abuse, victim…not me.  I have had to confront the at ugly truth that I was a victim. In truth I was really a volunteer. I have come to terms with the fact that that I alone am responsible for the way my life has turned out but tonight I really felt it deep in my gut.

Somewhere in my past, I learned that what I had to say was not important and what I thought didn’t count. So I went with the flow… Never speaking up…I allowed others to run my life for me. I hated confrontation and chose to do what made everyone happy and maintain “the peace”. I did not take the reins and set an intentional course for my life. Instead, I made decisions about my life by default following the direction of others. It was easier. I created a lovely illusion that I was absolved of responsibility and  could avoid criticism. My mind screams, so how’s that work’in for ya?’

My marriage was not a healthy one . I was belittled and minimized throughout my 20 year relationship. I ignored huge blinking red flags while we were dating. He once broke up with me because I wasn’t his intellectual equal and told me that if I was disfigured in a car wreck he would have to break up with me. Huh? What was I thinking? In my youth his promise to always take care of me and his bright future was seductive and I went the way of the moth to the flame. I remained married to this controlling man even after he had an affair three years into our marriage. I allowed myself to be convinced that I was the cause of the affair and took complete responsibility for the situation. I allowed my insecurities and fears to keep me in what I knew at some level was a bad marriage and even went on to have three children with him.  I spent years making excuses for the way my he treated me.  If only I could do better next time, if I could be more of this and less of that it will all be OK. I could prove to him that I could be everything he expected. Again..huh? He ultimately made choices that brought our life crashing down around us. I was blissfully oblivious to what was going on in his life. I couldn’t believe that or even suspect that my husband would ever engage in criminal activities. The risks he took impacted not only my life but also the lives of our children and left me with a mighty fine mess to clean up.

I’ve spent more energy putting on a happy face than confronting important issues during my lifetime.  A bad habit I developed while convincing myself and the rest of the world that my life was perfect. To admit that I was a victim would admit that I had failed to rise above my circumstances. I have always recoiled from those who can’t move out of their victimization and stay frozen in time perpetually living in the past. As the saying goes, ” What you resist persists,”.  Accepting the situation for what it was and taking responsibility for it is an important step in my moving on with my life.  It’s time to  forgive myself for the part I played in creating a life that would bring so much struggle and uncertainty. I wanted to rush through all the steps of loss and grieve and in doing so cheated myself out of some necessary healing.

We live in an instant world rushing through our days expecting immediate results. I am often asked by my clients how long does it take to feel whole again. My answer is unsatisfying and not specific to those who ask. As long as it takes. It won’t happen overnight. There are many stories throughout literature illustrating the hero’s journey. The hero of the story experiences a profound loss and wanders in the wilderness for a an extended period of time . During this journey our hero is repeatedly tested , struggles and overcomes adversity. Then aha moment happens and our hero “gets it”. There is a sense of clarity and inner peace and our hero returns home stronger and wiser. When we experience transition in our lives we have to allow ourselves the time and space to heal. I myself am about to emerge from the woods. My  resistance in allowing myself  to participate “the journey” and has probably unintentionally prolonged it. I experienced my “Aha” moment tonight with the help of some remarkable women. I look forward to letting go of the things that no longer serve me as I continue to create a new life -intentionally.

Not being flexible

The only thing I know for sure when I embark upon my day is that the best laid plans change! I’ve learned, over time, to look forward to the surprises that show up each day . Often they are pleasant surprises that come virtually out of nowhere . Planning works best for me when I create a  flexible outline  of  goals I want to  accomplish  and arrange them around scheduled appointments. When my plans are etched in stone or I become attached to the day unfolding exactly as I planned..well… those are the days I fall apart. When I struggle to put the day right back on track I never seem to get there. I end up frustrated in the process. When taking a more flexible approach I tend to move through the flow of the day with ease and find that I accomplish more along the way.

Creating Chaos as a Distraction

Chaos can be a way of distracting me from issues that I just don’t want to deal with. It turns the focus away from anything I am avoiding or don’t want to confront. I have observed that creating a system of chaos can become a way of life for some people. It can be an especially attractive alternative when dancing around big issues they don’t want to notice in their lives. If I begin to experience a constant stream of chaos, I ask myself, “What am I avoiding?” Gaining awareness around something I may be avoiding makes it easier to  make changes that will have a positive impact on my life.

Lack of Focus

Lack of focus can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Having  no plan at all and flying by the seat of my pants is my favorite recipe for chaos.  Gifted or cursed in the area of idea generation, it is sometimes difficult for me to work on one thing at a time. At times, I feel my day is spinning out of control.  Occasionally, I feel as though I’ve accomplished virtually nothing and still find myself wiped out at the end of the day. Flitting from one thing to another is counter productive. I am not a natural organizer.  Putting some sort of structure to my day using external organization methods are beneficial. I create some sort of list or outline to prevent the day from getting out of control.

I can’t help but say yes

Chaos from overextending myself always results in my feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I’m trapped in a box with little breathing room. I get myself in trouble here as I seem to unrealistically believe that there are 48 hours in a day. This is usually when I remember to set some boundaries around what I am able or willing to take on. When I continually sign up for too many projects I spend some time evaluating “why”?.  Am I unrealistically assessing the resources I have available for projects ? This is often the case. Am I having difficulty saying no? Am I seeking the approval of others? Assessing the opportunity, my motivation and resources available help me decide if I have the time and energy to take on the responsibilities I am considering.

Whatever the reason for the chaos that takes over the day, there are a few things I do to minimize it’s impact on my day.

1. Stop. That’s right stop what I’m doing right now and take a few deep breaths. It stops or at least slows down the run away train.

2. Re prioritize. I decide what absolutely has to get done right now. I put off the things are less urgent.

3. I ask for help.

4. I get a good nights sleep. It’s difficult to focus when I am exhausted. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

Despite the unexpected my day did fall in place after all. I started my day taking care of the things a really didn’t want tackle. I regrouped, restrategized, said no to a project and then asked for some help, I accomplished many of the things I set out to do today despite a few snafu’s. Next time you find your day spinning out of control try some of the strategy’s outlined here and see if you accomplish more with less stress.

~Help me research how divorce impacts women today. Link over to my Women and Divorce Survey. I would appreciate your taking he survey and forwarding on to other divorced women you know as well~

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=EpkgJj_2bRdQaS5ahOzRzHkA_3d_3d

It’s tempting to ignore the financial reality of divorce and hide from making decisions. Confronting your financial reality head on will be a tremendous help to you as you move towards building a new life. The best way to begin to understand where you stand financially is to sit down and look your monthly expenses. Include all of your expenses, your mortgage payment, monthly credit card payments, school lunch and field trip money etc. Don’t forget to factor in expenses that come due an an annual or semi-annual basis such as life insurance payments and car tags. Compare your expenses to the amount of money that you have coming in each month. If there is a shortfall in income look at areas of your life where you can trim your expenses. You may need to make dramatic changes like downsizing your home to reduce your expenses. On the other hand you may only need to make changes on a smaller scale; such as clipping coupons and becoming a dedicated bargain shopper. This is the time to prioritize and decide what you can let go of for now.

Also important is to think about your long-term financial security. If you have money that was awarded to you in your divorce settlement, decide how you can best make that money work for you. Contact a financial planner who can suggest financial strategies to maximize what you have to work with. A financial planner can forecast how long your money will last based  on your short and long term goals and looking at your overall financial picture.

At this point you are in a position to make decisions about how you are going to move forward. You are in charge of how you will handle your money . This may seem overwhelming but look at it as an opportunity to flex your muscles of new independence!  How can you maximize what you have?  This kind of thinking  creates a wider variety of choices and opportunities. You will set yourself up for success in making wise choices based on the strategies outlined here.  One example would be to invest in further education to increase your marketability in the workforce and increase future earnings.

Some women have never balanced a check book let alone made an investment decision. If you have never dealt with finances don’t panic. It’s OK!  Enlist help from a trusted friend or family member. Your friends and family want to know how to help.  Choose someone with good financial skill sets and ask them to sit down with you and go over your budget . You’ll will find , as you learn more , that it’s a lot easier than you think!

Whether you have had a good or a less than ideal relationship with money in the past, now is the time to take charge of your finances and improve your long term relationship with money .  Start now and confront your current financial reality by gathering all the information you need to make decisions that work for you. By taking charge of your financial future, you will find that you will not only develop a feelings of self confidence and independence over time but also create new possibilities for your future.

Nichole is an authorized facilitator of the NOW WHAT? 90 Days to a new life direction program. For more information contact Nichole at nichole@afterthealimony.com

Welcome to After the Alimony! After the Alimony is here to help ease you through the transition of divorce and provides tips and insights you might find useful in rebuilding your life. Experiencing a life changing transition presents challenges that you may not have experienced before. The process of moving through transition is messy –pushing you beyond your comfort zones. Realistically transition happens in stages that require patience, acceptance and introspection. It’s not as easy as waking up one day and stepping into a ready made new life. There is a space between leaving your old life and entering your new one that I like to call”limbo land”. You can’t go back to your old life and you really don’t know what you want your new life to look like. You just know that you want it to be better than before and want it to happen right now. Time spent in limbo feels unproductive and seems like it will last forever. Take heart… this too shall pass. Take advantage of this awkward stage to think about what was missing in your old life and what you want to create for yourself moving forward.

The Three Stages of Transition

Discovering Who?

Crisis and transition have a way of stopping you dead in your tracks. Life seems to stop as the world keeps marching on without you. Before the onset of transition you may find that you have been immersed in the busyness of your life and have become almost robotic as you move through life on auto-pilot; in the process losing parts of yourself along the way.  Sometimes the “who” you are in the roles you play become a part of a bigger package that defines”what” your life has been about. It is common to feel lost when you no longer fit neatly into a package. Crisis serves as a wake up call. As a result, questions like,” Who am I?” ,begin to bubble up.  Life as you know it has change forever and the roles you play have changed as well. It is no longer possible to sleep walk through life which seems overwhelming. “Who” you are has fundamentally changed. Life changes take time and will unfold at it’s own pace. Use this time to begin identifying how you want to live your life from here forward. If you are unclear about what you want , start by focusing on the things you DON”T want. This is an opportunity to re-connect with yourself; a major building block in establishing a life that will result in a happy and fulfilling future.

Discovering What?

As you begin to step into your new life and ask the question,”Who am I?”, you will inevitably begin to think, “What do I want to do do with the rest of my life?”. A mighty big question… one that must be answered if you want to create something wonderful in your future.  In this phase of transition the ground seems to be more solid under your feet and you can begin to making meaningful decisions about your future. As you get to know yourself better the answers to ,”What do I want?” , begin to take shape. As they do, Think BIG.! Dream Big! Use your imagination! Look for clues in your past to help you remember what you enjoy. Do you have a dream that you have never pursued? This may be an ideal time to take your first steps toward making that dream a reality. Getting a clearer picture of what you want sets you up for success as you move onto the final stage of transition.

Discovering How?

One of the most meaningful differences between a woman who continues to stay stuck in the same place for years and one who goes onto to create a thriving future is her willingness to take meaningful action. Without meaningful action there can be no results. In this phase of transition, you are continuing to refine your vision for the future and answering the question, “What’s next for me?”.  Now is the time to put together a life plan. Successfully moving into a new phase of your life begins as you take specific and meaningful action that is tied to the goals you have established in your life plan. Most women who are living thriving lives will tell you they didn’t get where they were going in straight line. None the less, they began with a plan, took action and in the end their lives turned out even better than they had originally envisioned.

Today is a New Day

As you move through the stages of transition take the time to reflect on who you are at your core, what you want to create in your life, make a plan and take the necessary action to make it happen. Your past is yesterday. Today is a new day!

Group Coaching teleclasses forming now for Now What? 90 Days to a new life direction. For more information contact Nichole at nichole@afterthealimony.com.