I have a confession to make. I have a dark side that I hide from the world.  At times, a great deal of effort goes into appearing effervescent when I am clearly not. There I said it.  As I continue to work toward moving my life in a positive direction, I have recognized that my exuberant optimism, ok blatant denial, masks truths that I don’t want to confront that ultimately  keep me stuck. The fact of the matter is that I waste precious energy that I could be utilizing in other areas of my life.

I am fortunate to work with a special group of women who are bravely working to put their lives together after leaving abusive relationships. Tonight as we met as a group and I listened to their wisdom, it dawned on me that I had some work of my own to do. We discussed what it meant to be victim. Where we are in our lives is a direct result of choices we have made.  Ouch. I have always hated the word victim. I actually have a negative physical response when I hear the word. I remember being given the kind gift after my life fell apart. It was a book that contained meditations and affirmations for abused women. I couldn’t throw the book away fast enough. Abuse, victim…not me.  I have had to confront the at ugly truth that I was a victim. In truth I was really a volunteer. I have come to terms with the fact that that I alone am responsible for the way my life has turned out but tonight I really felt it deep in my gut.

Somewhere in my past, I learned that what I had to say was not important and what I thought didn’t count. So I went with the flow… Never speaking up…I allowed others to run my life for me. I hated confrontation and chose to do what made everyone happy and maintain “the peace”. I did not take the reins and set an intentional course for my life. Instead, I made decisions about my life by default following the direction of others. It was easier. I created a lovely illusion that I was absolved of responsibility and  could avoid criticism. My mind screams, so how’s that work’in for ya?’

My marriage was not a healthy one . I was belittled and minimized throughout my 20 year relationship. I ignored huge blinking red flags while we were dating. He once broke up with me because I wasn’t his intellectual equal and told me that if I was disfigured in a car wreck he would have to break up with me. Huh? What was I thinking? In my youth his promise to always take care of me and his bright future was seductive and I went the way of the moth to the flame. I remained married to this controlling man even after he had an affair three years into our marriage. I allowed myself to be convinced that I was the cause of the affair and took complete responsibility for the situation. I allowed my insecurities and fears to keep me in what I knew at some level was a bad marriage and even went on to have three children with him.  I spent years making excuses for the way my he treated me.  If only I could do better next time, if I could be more of this and less of that it will all be OK. I could prove to him that I could be everything he expected. Again..huh? He ultimately made choices that brought our life crashing down around us. I was blissfully oblivious to what was going on in his life. I couldn’t believe that or even suspect that my husband would ever engage in criminal activities. The risks he took impacted not only my life but also the lives of our children and left me with a mighty fine mess to clean up.

I’ve spent more energy putting on a happy face than confronting important issues during my lifetime.  A bad habit I developed while convincing myself and the rest of the world that my life was perfect. To admit that I was a victim would admit that I had failed to rise above my circumstances. I have always recoiled from those who can’t move out of their victimization and stay frozen in time perpetually living in the past. As the saying goes, ” What you resist persists,”.  Accepting the situation for what it was and taking responsibility for it is an important step in my moving on with my life.  It’s time to  forgive myself for the part I played in creating a life that would bring so much struggle and uncertainty. I wanted to rush through all the steps of loss and grieve and in doing so cheated myself out of some necessary healing.

We live in an instant world rushing through our days expecting immediate results. I am often asked by my clients how long does it take to feel whole again. My answer is unsatisfying and not specific to those who ask. As long as it takes. It won’t happen overnight. There are many stories throughout literature illustrating the hero’s journey. The hero of the story experiences a profound loss and wanders in the wilderness for a an extended period of time . During this journey our hero is repeatedly tested , struggles and overcomes adversity. Then aha moment happens and our hero “gets it”. There is a sense of clarity and inner peace and our hero returns home stronger and wiser. When we experience transition in our lives we have to allow ourselves the time and space to heal. I myself am about to emerge from the woods. My  resistance in allowing myself  to participate “the journey” and has probably unintentionally prolonged it. I experienced my “Aha” moment tonight with the help of some remarkable women. I look forward to letting go of the things that no longer serve me as I continue to create a new life -intentionally.